I
was raised in a dysfunctional home with a dominant, controlling
mother, a passive father, and under strict legalistic religious
teaching. (In my upbringing sex was a very dirty thing; especially
to my mother), I was seduced at the age of 14 by an 18 year old
friend. I got married at age 20, and did well for 12 years. Then,
at a church I was pastoring, I met a woman that I liked a lot
that came in for counseling. It proceeded as a Hallmark card story.
She represented romance that I had never had. Not to cause heart
ache for my family, I told my wife of my feelings, and we moved
to pastor another church. There my wife began an affair with a
man in that church. We left the church, worked a while in the
secular world, and then took another church to pastor. In the
mean time, I began an affair with the other woman as my marriage
continued to fall apart. The affair lasted for several years and
I was divorced in 1984, married the other lady in 1986, divorced
from her in 1997 and married again in 2008 to a third wife. The
door had already opened to sexual addiction during the first affair.
Over
the many years I have:
1.
Been sexually involved with 45 women.
2.
I am not gay and have no attraction to men, but I have exposed
myself to men on occasion (they gave me a turn on and I don't
know why. I have not done that for a few
years now.)
3.
In living at two different locations while divorced, I exposed
myself to female neighbors through the house window.
4.
Early on in these years, I went to strip shows, massage parlors,
porn movies, and prostitutes.
5.
I have committed adultery in all three marriages including the
present one. The woman I got involved with in the last three
years became addicted to me, and has emotionally blackmailed
me, sometimes calling seven or eight times a day.
6.
I have broken off any sexual arrangement with the present woman.
I am totally tempted everyday with her and she demands that
I call her everyday. Both of us fell prey to this since neither
of our mates desires any sex. Both of us have high drives but
that is no excuse.
7.
Presently, my battle is with porn movies, masturbation and lust
addiction.
8.
Because of guilt and prescription drug use because of guilt,
I have been in two drug treatment centers, a mental health facility,
and a psychiatric ward for nerves. I have cried a million tears
and I have been sorry a million times. I was told early on by
counselors that I do not know what love is or how to receive
it from anyone including God.
9.
I have doubted my own salvation and the promise of heaven for
years. I would say to myself most nights that I'm going to hell,
but I tried everything I could to get other people to get to
heaven. Right now, I feel that God is a million miles away from
me. I am scared to die, scared of the judgment seat of Christ,
and scared to live. I do not believe I have been happy since
I had my family together which was in 1976.
10.
The miracle to me is that God has still used me. I have pastored
churches and been involved in a multitude of different ministries.
I feel my life counts when I am pastoring. The times I have
had to drop out of ministry and do other jobs was always a bitter
experience. Somehow God used me.
I
just completed an 8 year ministry and I'm now pastor at a part
time church. I sing in a gospel trio and have for 9 years. We
have done over 600 concerts, and I am most happy when I sing for
the Lord. When I serve the Lord and keep busy it is easier to
bear. But alone at night or out of town I feel helpless with the
domination of my flesh. My best friend is just like me and I have
personally encountered many pastors in the same boat. I do not
blame any health problem, no other person, nor have I copped out.
I have never excused my sin for it is sin. And I hate it every
time I do it. I do not understand how or why this has happened.
I
fight daily with:
1.
Not forgiving myself
2.
Great regret
3.
Sorrow over knowing that God gave me gifts and I use them but
not like I could have or should have. Satan knew my weakness
and over the years has almost totally destroyed me.
4.
Fear of dying. I have depression and anxiety all the time. I
take anti-depressants all the time.
I
am 65. I pray I can conquer this for whatever time I have left.
I should be dead. I have come so close to some major automobile
accidents. I hurt. I believe I turn to sex and don't hurt as much.
That does not make any since but I believe it is true. In my life
of masturbation and lust the guilt never seems to end. And it
is a habit that appears to be impossible to break. Why so much
sex? Why so much misery? Why so much fear? Why so much Grace from
God? Is there any hope for me?
I
am now letting my story be told as I counsel with Rev. Jenkins
at Addicts Victorious in the hopes that this might change some
ministers lives struggling with the same problem.
Home