I was raised in a dysfunctional home with a dominant, controlling mother, a passive father, and under strict legalistic religious teaching. (In my upbringing sex was a very dirty thing; especially to my mother), I was seduced at the age of 14 by an 18 year old friend. I got married at age 20, and did well for 12 years. Then, at a church I was pastoring, I met a woman that I liked a lot that came in for counseling. It proceeded as a Hallmark card story. She represented romance that I had never had. Not to cause heart ache for my family, I told my wife of my feelings, and we moved to pastor another church. There my wife began an affair with a man in that church. We left the church, worked a while in the secular world, and then took another church to pastor. In the mean time, I began an affair with the other woman as my marriage continued to fall apart. The affair lasted for several years and I was divorced in 1984, married the other lady in 1986, divorced from her in 1997 and married again in 2008 to a third wife. The door had already opened to sexual addiction during the first affair.

Over the many years I have:

1. Been sexually involved with 45 women.

2. I am not gay and have no attraction to men, but I have exposed myself to men on occasion (they gave me a turn on and I don't know why. I have not done that for a few years now.)

3. In living at two different locations while divorced, I exposed myself to female neighbors through the house window.

4. Early on in these years, I went to strip shows, massage parlors, porn movies, and prostitutes.

5. I have committed adultery in all three marriages including the present one. The woman I got involved with in the last three years became addicted to me, and has emotionally blackmailed me, sometimes calling seven or eight times a day.

6. I have broken off any sexual arrangement with the present woman. I am totally tempted everyday with her and she demands that I call her everyday. Both of us fell prey to this since neither of our mates desires any sex. Both of us have high drives but that is no excuse.

7. Presently, my battle is with porn movies, masturbation and lust addiction.

8. Because of guilt and prescription drug use because of guilt, I have been in two drug treatment centers, a mental health facility, and a psychiatric ward for nerves. I have cried a million tears and I have been sorry a million times. I was told early on by counselors that I do not know what love is or how to receive it from anyone including God.

9. I have doubted my own salvation and the promise of heaven for years. I would say to myself most nights that I'm going to hell, but I tried everything I could to get other people to get to heaven. Right now, I feel that God is a million miles away from me. I am scared to die, scared of the judgment seat of Christ, and scared to live. I do not believe I have been happy since I had my family together which was in 1976.

10. The miracle to me is that God has still used me. I have pastored churches and been involved in a multitude of different ministries. I feel my life counts when I am pastoring. The times I have had to drop out of ministry and do other jobs was always a bitter experience. Somehow God used me.

 

I just completed an 8 year ministry and I'm now pastor at a part time church. I sing in a gospel trio and have for 9 years. We have done over 600 concerts, and I am most happy when I sing for the Lord. When I serve the Lord and keep busy it is easier to bear. But alone at night or out of town I feel helpless with the domination of my flesh. My best friend is just like me and I have personally encountered many pastors in the same boat. I do not blame any health problem, no other person, nor have I copped out. I have never excused my sin for it is sin. And I hate it every time I do it. I do not understand how or why this has happened.

I fight daily with:

1. Not forgiving myself

2. Great regret

3. Sorrow over knowing that God gave me gifts and I use them but not like I could have or should have. Satan knew my weakness and over the years has almost totally destroyed me.

4. Fear of dying. I have depression and anxiety all the time. I take anti-depressants all the time.

I am 65. I pray I can conquer this for whatever time I have left. I should be dead. I have come so close to some major automobile accidents. I hurt. I believe I turn to sex and don't hurt as much. That does not make any since but I believe it is true. In my life of masturbation and lust the guilt never seems to end. And it is a habit that appears to be impossible to break. Why so much sex? Why so much misery? Why so much fear? Why so much Grace from God? Is there any hope for me?

I am now letting my story be told as I counsel with Rev. Jenkins at Addicts Victorious in the hopes that this might change some ministers lives struggling with the same problem.

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